The No. 1 Guide to Writing Phan Phiction

Often when inspired, one writes fan fiction. Some people, however, have trouble thinking up what to write next after they've written their very first sentence. Well, that's what this guide is for: to all those phans in need of help. All of the best fan fictions should include the following:

• 1. Spelling: mistakes in just about every sentence makes a quality story! Never mind that it's annoying to all those readers who have to figure out what the word is, or that you're simply too lazy to do a spelling check just in case a word was mispelled due to your careless typing - at least your story is unique with your many errors. Take, for instance:
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• [Example: As Jacqueline sped down the halways of the oprah, she felt a misterious prescense about her, as if there wuz a shadow folowing closelely behind.]
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• 2. Grammar: the second best thing which makes fan fiction stand out. When your talking in the present tense, always spoke in the past tense (See? Example right there.) and etc. Another thing you can do is make a new paragraph after every single sentence - you don't want your readers getting confused if the text is all crunched up. Or maybe miss an important punctuation mark or two; readers will never know if a person talking is demented because they never seem to hesitate - or even better, they won't even know if the person is talking! Putting punctuations in the wrong spots also counts.
  All these three combined (tenses, paragraphs, punctuation) would be called the triple threat... cool title, isn't it? Observe the triple threat in action:
  
• [Example:
  "Erik I tell you before and, I will have tell you again... I say, "Stop hanging around the opera rooftops I know its nice scenery up there and all but I dont want you to catch a cold!

2. "Yes dear whatever you say" say Erik with a roll in eyes and continue to play on the organ.
   
   I could'nt believe he was acting like this in such a rude manner!
   
   I mean Ive saw Raoul like this at times (worse even) but this was downright absurd!
   
   "And about Raoul I want you to stop stalking him! Im getting sick and tired of all the complaints hes been sent me via notes for the past month Everytime I found you gone your little Punjack rope is gone too!
   
   "Punjab lasso" he corrected
   
   "Whatever!"]

• 3. Dramatic Speech and Narrating: Make your reader knows that Erik/Christine/whatever character is MAD!! or happy!! :-D !! and etc. Be sure to use a lot of CAPS, ***asteriks*** and a lot of punctuation points to get the message across!!! READ this example **NOW**!!!!!!!!!!!!

• [Example:
  Raoul: No, I ****REFUSE**** to wear THAT bunny costume to the masquerade!!!!!

• Christine: And why ever not??!?? I took ALL night to sew that adorable costume - and NOW you're *not* going to wear it??

• Raoul: LOOK, viscounts *don't* wear outlandish costumes to a ball. I think we have a little more sense and maturity than that.

• Christine: Oh really???? Then how do you explain playing make believe games, especially since we played them **ten** years ago?! I mean, who's ever heard of playing "Married" at age twenty?

• Raoul: That's **IT**!!!! I WANT a DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!]

• 4. Big words: Gets 'em everytime! Impress your friends and audience with your vast and great knowledge of the English vocabulary, even though sometimes the word doesn't even exist! Forget that they have to keep a dictionary by them everytime they read your story; at least you sound professional!
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• [Example: After another altercation with Christine during the masquerade and then losing her to the so-called "Angel", Raoul retreated to the opera rooftops to acquire some fresh air. He started to ponder over the events.
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• He only meant to reason with her, not to start a brouhaha - how could she be so contumacious?
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• Staring off into the crepuscular sky from the escarpment, he took note of the enbloc of stars which seemed to transmute into the bamboozling form of Christine. Suddenly he became hypnagogic and lassitude overcame him. Steadying himself, he wondered: Was he envisaging things? Perhaps one too many brandies; even that gargoyle statue looked meretricious to him as of the moment...]
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• 5. Choice of Villainy: Raoul is always the bad guy; doesn't matter if he loves Christine, risks his worthless little neck trying to save her, or the fact that he actually cares about our disillusioned chorus girl. Raoul is, I repeat, always the bad guy - no more need be said.

• 6. Links - Those help a lot too. Just when your fan fiction is getting good and people are really into your story, you have the link to the next chapter...

• [Example: How could she have hoped to find Erik here in the opera house after all these years? Chances are that he has forgotten about her already; or what if... what if he was dead? Tearing herself from the horrid thought, Christine merely pushed herself onward into the winding labyrinth which suddenly seemed like a deadly maze. Don't be fooled by appearances, she told herself. He had showed her the way to his house; she still had the key, as well... She was sure she remembered the path.

• After an exhausting search, a glimmer shone in her eye - the lake was there! And beyond the lake, she could see the irregular house, standing just as it was three years ago.

• "Erik!" she cried, her heart still racing against her breast.

• Yet there was no answer... How could that be?

• "Mon Ange!" she tried again, this time louder. The echoes of her cry still rang in her ears, and still there was no reply. She feared for the worst...

• Suddenly a cold yet strangely gentle grip was felt upon her shoulders. Christine gasped, not at the chill of the hands which now held her trembling shoulders, but at the recognition of such a touch... She slowly turned around, the fire of hope still burning within her, only to find...

• Click Here for the Next Chapter...]

• 7. 'Borrowing' Info: Show your appreciation for your favorite authors by using their characters in your story! The Persian's name always has to be Nadir, not Waldo or Bartholomew, but always Nadir. And if the mood strikes you, you can insert our favorite Siamese cat, Ayesha, into your story. Or even better, just copy a whole passage from the book and switch some words around to make it look like your work! Readers love familiarity, especially Susan Kay's novel! [Examples not included - yet...]

• 8. Rite of Passage: There are no exceptions - Erik *must* lose his virginity at one point during the story. [No examples; sorry to disappoint you, but this is a rated PG site.]

• More to come if I get bored.